7. On Insecurity and Life Avoidance
Since we are alive, we are aware and we feel. And since we are alive, we are connected and we care for ourselves, our loved ones, our communities and world ... At the same time, whether we like it or not, in life there are accidents, losses, illnesses, reversals, deaths. There is no escaping them of course. And therefore because we are alive, aware, connected to others, there is also existential insecurity, and therefore vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. There is really no way around this. Indeed, it is simply the way things are.
The common, understandable approach is to live protectively through whatever means possible. In other words, we go about our days doing our best to avoid existential insecurity, and especially the vulnerability that can come with it. In truth, we spend so much of our energy and time, denying, repressing, avoiding, escaping or fighting insecurity, and yet, strangely, it is an inherent part of life.
Of course, there is intelligence, and reason, in seeking to protect ourselves from the insecurities of life. It’s common-sense to try to avoid potentially hurtful situations, for this is simply how we avoid pain. The problem is that, for many of us, this natural tendency gets carried away and becomes a dominant script or a modus operandi.
Indeed, entire lives, not to mention entire ideologies, are constructed around this central existential urge: insecurity avoidance, which is really to say vulnerability avoidance. And this central existential urge has been so diligently pursued by human beings, across time, that it has moulded entire cultures; especially so under patriarchal societies, with their notable distrust and repression of “darker,” more vulnerable feelings (such as fear, sadness, grief). For natural, familial, historical and societal reasons, most of us are existentially conditioned to be, and to live, on a limited spectrum of vulnerability avoidance, at times bordering on outright vulnerability-phobia (imagine, for example, how most of us relate to serious illness or death).
And since to be alive is to be vulnerable, many of us are existentially conditioned to live somewhere on a spectrum of life avoidance.
Many of us live within the band of existential reality that we can tolerate, and, for a variety of reasons, not much beyond. We are alive, yet avoiding many facets of life. There is a real contradiction here. And yet, if we take a pause, and really observe and reflect upon what surrounds us - our relations, workplaces, cultures - the generalised pattern becomes apparent.
For example, think of the forces of repression, denial, avoidance, entertainment, distraction, booze, drugs, workaholism - to name a few - and think of how widespread they are in our societies. And then meditate upon these forces and think of how directly they relate to avoiding, numbing out or bypassing numerous aspects of life. To take a concrete example, think of how much people seek to avoid or outright banish illnesses, especially serious ones; even though, of course, illness is a natural part of life. Or think of the worst enemy of all - who is so avoided, so feared, so exiled - that she has actually become a social taboo! We speak of Death of course.
You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book ... or you take a trip, or you talk ... and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable ... It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death.
- Anaïs Nin, diarist and writer
There are two main problems with vulnerability avoidance, as an approach to living. The first problem is that the approach does not really work, it does not deliver the desired goods: namely protection, from the vagaries of existence, and living a good life.
Secondly, and this is a compounding problem: since it is akin to life avoidance, vulnerability repression cuts us off from large dimensions of life itself. And this, in turn, provokes a host of other psychological problems that negatively impact our well-being, in addition to the outright existential losses resulting from not really being present to, and living, what is.
If we delve a little deeper into our pattern of insecurity avoidance, like we said, the first problem is that it simply does not work. As hard as we might try to avoid parts of life and protect ourselves, life will still happen. The Stoics were very lucid about this, and the first school of philosophy, in Western civilization, to really advocate that people look reality squarely in the face, especially if they wished to live artfully or with excellence.
The difficulties of the human condition simply cannot be avoided, because they are inherent to life itself. As a strategy for well-being, and living a good life, insecurity and vulnerability avoidance are like building a sand-castle at low tide, and hoping that it will still be standing when the sea inevitably rises. Difficulties, losses, sufferings of different kinds come into our lives as sure as the sea ebbs and flows. At some point, we must therefore get real and look for better strategies for good living - which thankfully exist, as we shall soon explore.
The second major problem with insecurity and vulnerability avoidance is that by adopting this approach we cut ourselves off from various portions of life. Whether it is anxiety, illness, losses, fear, sadness, anger, grief ... many of us just don’t want to be in those places, and it’s understandable of course. And so we repress, deny, avoid, drink, overwork, distract, numb it out. To some degree, these tools can deliver a measure of help - this is why we use them after all. However, like we said before, the tide will still come, and in one way or another, we will suffer. And the more serious problem is that vulnerability avoidance provokes a host of other existential issues and sufferings, in addition to those we are already trying to avoid in the first place. And we also miss out on what suffering has to teach us.
One who fears to suffer, already suffers from what he fears.
- Montaigne
Repression and denial, not to mention overwork, are major contributors to anxiety and stress. In fact, from long clinical experience, chronic anxiety is most often a direct by- product of vulnerability repression or its unconsciousness (whether it’s source is low self- esteem, harsh parenting, bullying, unaddressed past wounds, or traumas).
Depression as well has its roots in vulnerability repression. And with regards to more serious depression, what most seasoned counsellors know well is that at the root of the condition there always lies a central variable: unaddressed or unresolved suffering, resulting from deep vulnerability suppression. Serious sufferings occurred at some point in the person’s life, and through repression, denial, numbing it out - whatever coping strategy was employed - the suffering becomes deeply buried and unaddressed, often to such a degree that its root causes are no longer even reachable or understandable to the client. What remains, however, are the frozen sufferings deep inside the person, and which now still manifest as the long winter of depression. And it’s important to note that vulnerability repression or denial are not necessarily first enacted by the suffering person. Often enough, it is modelled for them in their upbringing, their family system, and then they internalise this conditioning as a coping mechanism or “life skill,” if it can be called that.
Another classic example of the serious problems emanating from vulnerability avoidance are the host of addictive patterns we see in our societies. Whether it is alcohol, drugs, overwork, consumerism, hedonism, sex, gaming, escapism, most often addictive patterns also display a similar root cause: unaddressed sufferings and psychic wounds. And what almost always follows is vulnerability repression, various forms of self-medication and psychic numbing (to survive the very real pain), whether this takes the form of alcohol, drugs, over-work etc.
Suffice it to think of all these psychological problems, resulting from our misguided attempts to avoid or repress our sufferings, and we can readily see how damaging vulnerability avoidance, as a life strategy, really is. In fact, Sigmund Freud had a term for it, and he called it: “The return of the repressed.” And the universal truth it points to is one well known by mental health professionals: we simply cannot stop life’s sufferings from inflicting their pains upon us. And if you attempt to bypass, deny, medicate, overwork, the “repressed” - the original sufferings that were stuffed away - will return and manifest under different, and sometimes, even worse guises: anxiety, addictions, depression, PTSD, buried grief, panic attacks ...
In order to experience fearlessness, it is necessary to experience fear.
- Chögyam Trungpa
The good news is that there is a much better way to deal with the sufferings of life than insecurity and vulnerability avoidance, and, paradoxically, that is to embrace insecurity. If we learn, through therapeutic and philosophical practice, to embrace insecurity and to befriend vulnerability (rather than banish it), what we discover is that they contain great riches, and incredibly, they also contain, embedded within them, an actual path towards real healing and greater well-being. And when they are therapeutically addressed, they also contain within them, believe it or not, much greater existential security as well. In fact, when Stoicism is pursued in earnest, walking along the path of insecurity can lead us eventually to the greatest existential security there is - acceptance, serenity and unity with all of Life.
The embrace of insecurity was actually one of the central tenets of Stoicism. In fact, it was the first systematic philosophy of living, in the history of Western civilization, that sought to directly address the central human urge to avoid existential insecurity. In and of itself, this is already a remarkable contribution. In fact, all the major philosophies and religions of the world seek to provide solutions to this central human problem. During antiquity, Stoicism was undoubtedly the most comprehensive and pragmatic of the various philosophies of living that flourished at the time, and especially as it related to dealing with the insecurities of life.
The first major insight of Stoicism, as we alluded to earlier, was that existential sufferings could not be ignored or bypassed, if we really sought to live well. What we have to realise with existential insecurities and vulnerability is that the way forward is through. This may sound simple or obvious, but as we’ve explored earlier there are powerful tendencies and conditionings in us that do not make such an approach obvious at all. Stoicism deserves much credit on this front because it’s recommendation to squarely face our existential difficulties was, of course, correct and wise. And the Stoics have entire practices centered on dealing directly with insecurity and sufferings, such as the “Discipline of Desire,” the “Reserve Clause” and “Premeditatio Malorum.”
Not only did the Stoics believe in facing things head-on, but even more importantly they developed a powerful reframe for the whole question itself. Instead of looking at existential difficulties as forms of insecurity that should be avoided - the common approach - instead look at them as unavoidable and necessary parts of life; and furthermore as the perfect training grounds for developing ourselves and learning how to live good lives.
Because my thought can favourably reverse anything that is an obstacle to its action ... what blocks action becomes favourable to action, what blocks the way allows one to advance on the way.
- Marcus Aurelius
If we really wish to live well, then we must realise that everyday life, including all its difficulties, is the path itself. Put in other terms, if Stoicism is the theory and practice of living well, then the school we are attending is called ... Life, remembering well that it is all of Life, from the lows to the highs.
This is really a revolutionary reframe because, if we take it to heart, it can change everything for us. For starters, instead of looking at our sufferings and insecurities as a problem, and as something to avoid, hide, medicate, repress or deny, Stoicism says to us: your problems are OK, you are not at all deficient for having them, and you also are OK. You also are OK. Why? Because existential problems - whatever they are - are an inherent part of life. Yes, of course you have insecurities, vulnerability and sufferings - welcome to the club, a club that Stoics like to call Humanity!
And not only is it entirely OK, and normal, to have problems, but guess what? If you are willing to deal with them, to embrace them, then there is a lot we can do to transform them. If you are really willing to attend the School of Life - your own existence - even though the school can be a royal pain (!), then know that Stoicism also has an excellent curriculum. And the Stoic school, and curriculum, covers all the circumstances of life and welcomes all people, from all creeds and all walks of life. And with wise guidance, the curriculum is adaptable, such that the philosophical path will meet you where you are with your life circumstances, and help you progress from there towards a better life.
Even though at times we might despair of our situations, we can make it through the insecurities of life. We can learn to deal with them, with more and more skill as our philosophical practice deepens. And we can build a good and worthy life, no matter our class, position, nationality, wealth, or Fortune. Many others have done it before us, including some with far less advantages than us, so we certainly can as well!
We must just remember not to turn away from the existential insecurities and sufferings, especially when the going gets rough. And we must be resolute that, come what may, we will attend the School of Life, and study and practice the curriculum, over the long haul. And this resolution alone, if sustained, is half the whole battle, and we will discover in our own insecurities, and at the School of Life, more courage, goodness and strength that we might ever have imagined!